5 Things I Hate About Hookup Apps

 Okay, if you're reading this, chances are that you've been here before, and that unfortunately, a lot of these might be relatable. Before I get into my Buzzfeed-style list, let me clarify a few things. First, I have a love-hate relationship with hookups. For me, they're such a hassle, and trying to get a hookup can be super draining. But at the same time, I've had my fair share of really fun ones! So, I keep diving into the pool lol. Second, your mileage may vary. Who knows? Maybe most of the things I complain about are unique to people living with HIV. Who knows? Third, these items are in no particular order. If this post gets enough views, I'll probably make another one soon with another five. And some of those might piss me off even more than these five! And these are all just off the top of my head from my experiences. So enjoy!

1. Completely blank profiles. Look, I get it if you need to be private or downlow or whatever, but it's frustrating when I get a message from a blank profile asking if I'm looking. I have to go, "Sure, how old are you?" And they act like it was a stupid question. Well, you didn't have it up there! Then, I have to go, "Can I see pics?" Then, "What's your preferred sexual role?" etc. etc. ad nauseum. Seriously, you can be private / DL without having a profile pic. But you can still fill out the other fields.

2. Picture politics. Just like the furry fandom, hookup apps are full of visual consumers. And I get it...to a point. Look, if someone messages me out of the blue and just says, "Pics?", I will send them three or four from the get-go. And usually, weird things ensure from there. A lot of times, I'm just instantly blocked after sending requested pics. Sometimes, I get really oddly specific questions. Like, "Do you have a face pic?" "Do you have a pic of just your asshole?" "I'm a top. Why would I want a pic of your dick?" "Have you shaved since that picture?" It's just like...can't you be normal?

3. Looking RIGHT THIS SECOND. I don't know how you have sex. I'm not going to pretend to. But for me, there's prep work involved. I immediately think of the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend song, "The Sexy Getting-Ready Song." Like, I gotta go douche. I gotta shower. Gotta brush my teeth. Gotta set up the dungeon. I like to go over my limits with you and any other rules. When someone hits me up with just, "Address?" I'm just like, CHILL for ONE SECOND! Tops get so worked up (at least in my area) if you're not on call with a clean booty all hours of the day.

4. Gangbang ghosting. For some reason, group sex has a bigger ghosting issue than regular hookups. The last gangbang I tried to arrange had FORTY TOPS interested in fucking my tail. Not kidding. Forty tops said, "Yes, I will be there!" Even the day of! Got to the motel. Got cleaned up (see post #3). Supposed to start at 10pm. Got a message from one of my two handlers, "Sorry, family drama. Can't come tonight." Okay, fine, whatever. Ten minutes later, got a message from the other one, "Sorry, car trouble. Can't come tonight." Great, so now I might die. Waited another forty minutes before someone showed up. He just wanted some head. Decent experience. Another hour went by. A top showed up, fucked me three times, then left. Really good experience there. But that was it. A forty-person gangbang devolved into two separate one-on-one hookups. And this is pretty normal for me. I've tried to arrange a gangbang in Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Detroit, and Chicago. I mean, I've been gangbanged before, but it usually only happens at a sex club.

5. One Day My Prince Will Come. People have started treating hookup apps like dating apps. They're really looking for that one perfect person. And sometimes people get really into screening when they start talking to you. Rather than feeling like a conversation, it feels like you're being interviewed in a selection process to take this dick. "How clean are you? What are you into? What about this one thing? How hard can I spank you? Do you live alone? How long can you fuck for? Do you mind if I cum twice? Do you have any toys? Do you spit or swallow? Oh, you spit? Then never mind. Blocked." It's crazy! You can have a six-hour conversation someone in this exact format, and then you answer one question wrong, and they block you lol. Of course, I'm all about sharing interests and limits and stuff, but there's a difference between that and trying to filter for a specific type of person that may or may not even exist in your area.

And that's five things I hate about hookup apps! Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and maybe I'll make a followup post!